A Breakthrough

Photo taken from this site

It's been two weeks since my last post and though nothing much has happened externally, there have been developments internally. During meditation sessions over the past few days, I've managed to sink into what I'll call my "ground state" using an analogy to the ground state of an electron in an atom. In its ground state, the electron is at its lowest energy level. When it becomes excited, it can jump to higher energy levels. In my case, thoughts and emotions represent the higher energy levels where I've spent most of my life. This constant dissipation of energy through almost total identification with my mental and emotional states is exhausting but letting go has been difficult.

During the meditation that I've been following, I've been attempting to disidentify with my thoughts and emotions by becoming a witness to them as they arise. This is a useful technique up to a point but I still found myself being carried off sooner or later by a thought or feeling that I'd latched on to. The reason for this was that I still wasn't grounded and I was witnessing from up in the clouds as it were, buffeted by this and that random thought or emotion. However, the meditation technique also advises to feel your body by exploring the sensations within it. This is what led to my breakthrough.

Previously, I'd tried to feel the sensations within my body but I'd not been very successful. A lot of the time I was thinking about my body, imagining different aspects of it and remaining very much in my thoughts. At last however, I have managed to really feel my body and sink into its energy field. I know I'm there because no thoughts or feelings arise and the sensation of it is quite palpable and readily identifiable. When I lose it, I feel the jump to the higher energy level of feeling or, higher still, of thought. The thing is that I know I've lost it immediately whereas before, during my witnessing, I wouldn't become aware of it nearly so quickly. The thoughts would carry me aware as if hypnotised. Now I'm aware instantly that because of a distracting thought or feeling, I've lost the ground state and that I need to return to it.

The more I practise, the easier it is to sink into the ground state and this is a very still place compared to the turmoil of the emotional and mental realms. It's not totally still because I have the awareness of fine vibrations but it's centred and stable. Previously, when I lived in my head, I felt that "I" existed between my eyes about a inch of so behind my forehead. When I was overcome by emotion, it would arise from my abdomen and rise rapidly upwards so that I would "lose my head". In the ground state, I have the feeling that "I" am resident in the area of the solar plexus, midway between the sources of thought and emotion.

This newly relocated me is definitely "more intelligent" than the old head-centred me that struggled to contain the emotions that would arise from internal and external stimuli. I can see more clearly now the mental and emotional structures that I've built for myself and actively lived in over the years. They were all of my own making and totally false. In my meditation, the ground state is unconditioned awareness where I don't think or feel anything but I'm still intensely aware. That translates in my daily life as being more observant and less judgmental. I can use my brain and engage my feelings as appropriate without being carried away by a thought or a feeling. There is a growing awareness of a mediating intelligence between my gut and my brain.

Villa Altachiara

I'm currently reading Elizabeth von Arnim's 1922 novel "The Enchanted April" in which four women come together to share a one month holiday in a villa in Italy. The 1992 film based on this book was called "Enchanted April" and the location chosen was a place called Villa Altachiara in Portofino, Italy. April in Portofino is indeed enchanting. As the book describes it:

"The wisteria was tumbling over itself in excess of life, its prodigality of flowering; and where the pergola ended, the sun blazed on scarlet geraniums, bushes of them, and nasturtiums in great heaps and marigolds so brilliant that they seemed to be burning... every sort of colour piled up in heaps, pouring along in rivers."

The above passage is quoted from a recent holiday review article titled Portofino: a port town that has evaded the uglier side of tourism with the clever subtitle of how to holiday with the have-yachts. What's even more special about this villa is that Meher Baba stayed there for a month in July of 1933. The magic of the location combined with Baba's presence made this a very memorable time for his followers who stayed with or visited him. As described in Lord Meher:

"During Baba's stay in Portofino, the cool moonlight lit up the night and the stars shone in all their brilliance. One evening, it was absolutely quiet around the villa, as if a message of peace and joy on earth was being conveyed to humanity. The lovers and mandali gathered around Baba who appeared exceedingly beautiful, wearing a royal blue jacket. The silent atmosphere immobilized them like an intoxicant.

The moon shone on Baba's face, the scent of jasmine hung around them, and the songs of cicadas were heard in the background. "It was one of the most timely, most beautiful moments with Baba," remembered Delia DeLeon. "We just sat there and never said a word." They could see Baba's smiling countenance and flowing hair as if aglow with light."

Well it turns out that Villa Altachiara is for sale. No price is mentioned but with its spacious grounds and 30 spacious rooms, it would not come cheap. There is more information and photographs to be found here.

The Mind's Eye and other Grand Notions

On page 3 of the book "The Enchanted April" that I'm currently reading, there is a reference to both the mind's eye and the bodily eye:

Mrs. Wilkens, having stood some time very drearily, her mind's eye on the Mediterranean in April, and the wisteria, and the enviable opportunities of the rich, while her bodily eye watched the really extremely horrible sooty rain falling steadily on the hurrying umbrella and splashing omnibuses, suddenly wondered ...

I'd never thought much about the first expression before but seeing it juxtaposed with the second got me "thinking" because it's the mind's eye that causes so much trouble in meditation. I'm not currently using any open eye meditations and so when I meditate I close my bodily eyes and then the third eye, that does indeed seem to be in middle of the forehead, takes over and supplies an endless stream of images that prove a formidable distraction.

What I've tried to do most recently in meditating is to unfocus my mind's eye so that I'm aware of the stream of images but I try not to focus on any of them as they pass by. This has not proved too hard to do but ideas still arise as my mind then exercises itself in other, subtler ways. For example, if a meditation session is going well, the idea soon arises that it is going well and my mind then starts to explore that idea. What did I do today that made it go well? How can I repeat that tomorrow? If I shake these ideas off then my ego soon steps in with notions like "yes, you're really getting the hang of this meditation business now, soon you'll be a champion meditator" and so on.

I like to use the term notion to describe the ideas that my ego is continuously generating about itself, other people and the world around itself. A lot of psychic energy is invested in creating and defending these notions.

While watching a cannonball's motion,
Galileo conceived of the notion
That natural laws,
Not a mystical Cause,
Ruled the physical world's locomotion
(source)

A notion can be defined as an odd or fanciful or capricious idea (source) and most of the ego's notions would seem to be of this sort. The notions that I formulate about myself may be at variance with the notions that other people form of me. This can lead to conflicts of course when a notion that I have of myself is challenged by somebody else. I certainly have a notion of myself as being honest and if someone were to suggest that I was dishonest I would take offence. I might form the notion that they were lying or mad or possessed of ulterior motives.

However, as that old rascal Barry Long pointed out "you are only honest at the moment of being conscious of the opportunity of being dishonest". What this implies is that my notion of being honest as a character trait is a total fabrication. I can only be honest (or dishonest) in that moment when I am faced with the possibility of being one or the other. I can't be a constant state of being honest, that's nonsense. If someone accuses me of dishonesty then it is presumably in relation to a specific incident and that can be dealt with. If someone accuses me of being a dishonest person without reference to any specific incidents, then they have clearly formed a notion of me and that's beyond my control. To the extent that I'm free of notions like "I am an honest person" then I'll be saving energy and reducing the risk of conflict with others.

Of course when faced in the future with the choice of being honest or dishonest, hopefully I'll choose to be honest but each situation needs to be considered on its merits. The mother who steals food to feed her starving children is technically being dishonest but most would argue that the situation justifies her being dishonest. In the past, this mother may have been scrupulously honest and prided herself in the notion that she is a scrupulously honest person. If she clings too strongly to that notion, she may decide not to steal the food and her children might die. In this case, the notion she had formed of herself was an impediment to her taking appropriate action in the situation. In less dramatic ways, our notions of ourselves limit and constrain our responses and bring us into conflict with others who hold conflicting notions.

Reflections on Silence Day

Silence Day (see earlier post) is nearly over and it's been an interesting experience. However, I have not succeeded in remaining totally silent, there have been several minor lapses. For example, the dog was scratching at the door of the study and so I said hello to her as I let her in. Later in the day, when I was dozing in a chair, my granddaughter who was playing in my study asked me a question and I instinctively answered it. Maybe next year, I'll succeed fully.

Desy suggested during a totally one-sided conversion at meal time that after I retire from teaching, I should consider maintaining permanent silence like Meher Baba himself. She quite liked my inability to readily complain or criticize or pontificate. Six year old Sabina had no problem with my silence either, she played in the study most of the day and was quite happy to talk away while I was limited to responding with facial gestures. I did use a pen and paper for communication on a couple of occasions. I did not venture out of the house at all figuring the chances of slipping up would be greatly magnified if I were to go to a mall.

In the morning it felt novel to be maintaining silence but as the day has gone on it's not been all that pleasant. I haven't been able to meditate at all and have felt rather restless and unable to read or focus on anything very much. I've ended up watching some television for the first time in quite a while just to pass the time. I have the feeling that I'm just waiting for midnight when I can break my silence and resume a normal life. Overall I feel satisfied that I did the best I could and my lapses were to expected I guess.

Handling Anger

It's all very well to have "big dreams" in which a High Priestess tells you in no uncertain terms to lose your anger but the challenge is to actually do that consistently in a daily life that is filled with vexations. At Pondok Indah mall today I decided on a whim to buy a gelato, something I've never done in all the years that I've been in Indonesia. The advertised price was Rp22000 in big black letters. I ordered a mango gelato and handed over the exact amount of money. However, I was promptly told the price was Rp24500. As I queried the amount, I pointed to the big black letters but the guy trying to take my money pointed to the tiny black letters at the very bottom of the display referring to an additional tax. Well that was too much for me and I walked away off in a silent huff without paying.

Roy, who had been nearby, told me shortly afterwards that a second guy who had already prepared my gelato had then attempted to catch up with me and give me the gelato presumably at the price displayed. However, the escalator was very close by and I was already on my way down it. "A silent huff" is still a mild form of anger and so I'm using this rather trivial incident as an opportunity to reflect on how to better handle such situations in the future. In the past I would have been more vocal and more demonstrably angry at the "injustice" that I was being subjected to. In that sense, I've progressed a little. My best course would have been to simply smile and propose that I was only willing to pay Rp22000 with no possibility of compromise. In the light of what happened, that offer would have been accepted.

I don't think I should have paid the full amount because then I would have remained inwardly angry and that's dangerous. It killed my mother. She was unhappy in her domestic situation and angry about certain things that she should have spoken up about but instead she smiled and maintained a false but happy face. The anger found expression through a virulent form of lung cancer. I don't want to risk that by swallowing my anger but at the same time I don't want to be overtaken by it. The trick is to be quick enough to catch yourself before the anger ignites and that means being alert. The ego is always on guard to defend itself against injustice and, in my case, anger is its favoured weapon. I, as the so-called "intelligent observer", have to intervene and stop the ego from instinctively picking up that weapon, or any weapon, by using more imagination and creativity in dealing with potentially anger-provoking situations.

As Eckhart Tolle says in "The Power of Now":

Remember that the ego needs problems, conflict and "enemies" to strengthen the sense of separateness on which its identity depends. It's only by finding sufficient stillness in myself that I can create enough space (and time) between the stimulus and the anger. In that space, there is time enough for the intelligent observer to deal with the situation. Stillness only arises through meditation.

Silence Day

On July 10th 1925, Meher Baba stopped talking and never spoke again until his death in 1969. He communicated initially using an alphabet board and later by hand gestures that his mandali (devoted followers) would interpret. His justification for his silence was that:

Man’s inability to live God’s words makes the Avatar’s teaching a mockery. Instead of practicing the compassion he taught, man has waged wars in his name. Instead of living the humility, purity, and truth of his words, man has given way to hatred, greed, and violence. Because man has been deaf to the principles and precepts laid down by God in the past, in this present Avataric form, I observe silence.

"Silence Day" commemorates that day on which Baba took his vow of silence. In all the years since the mid 1990s when I first became aware of this day, I've never managed to remain silent on that day. In most cases, the date has simply slipped by me without my even realizing it until later. Since 2000, the date has fallen shortly after the start of the academic year at the school where I used to teach. It was impossible to maintain silence even if I had remembered.

This year things are different. I'm on holidays while waiting to start at my new school in Shanghai and so there should be no impediments to my observing silence on July 10th. I'll stay at home that day, meditate, read about Baba and avoid any unnecessary social interaction in case I accidentally slip up. During the Vipasanna meditation courses that I attended in the 1990s, I was required to maintain silence for nine days and so one day shouldn't be a problem.

The High Priestess

For the first time in quite some time, I had a dream last night that I'd call a "big dream". I use this term to describe dreams that are numinous or have psychologically significant content. The setting for the dream was the house where I spent my entire childhood and adolescence, apart from the first two years. It's located at 21 Mayneview Street, Milton, Brisbane and it still stands to this day, although now it's been taken over by a computer company. In my dream world, the house serves as a symbol of my psychological foundations and so any dream containing this symbol is invariably significant.

In last night's dream, I had a close encounter with a very powerful and very old female figure. It began with me at the front of the property on which the house stands. I was on the ground writhing slowly and trying to purge myself of some inner emotional content. It felt a bit like throwing up except that I was trying to rid myself of some psychic content rather than stomach content. This seemed to be a necessary preparation for the encounter with the old woman because in the next scene I am the back of the property where she is seated on a raised throne.

I am still prostrate on the ground and I struggle to get to my feet. Eventually I succeed and I draw closer to her at her behest. As I do, her face comes into focus and I can see that she is very, very old. However, she exudes power and authority. Our faces are almost touching and I know that she is going to say something very important to me and she does. With solemn authority, shes tells me to "lose my anger" and thus delivers a very clear and unequivocal message.

Thanks to my sustained meditation, I've had relatively few outbursts of anger recently and they have been relatively minor but even so they are unsettling, often occurring when I'm driving. At other times, I'll become impatient when I'm queueing, even though I may not express my irritation. Lately in my meditation, I've become aware of the need to maintain equilibrium between inner and outer. At brief times, I've even felt the two merging and becoming continuous. At such times, "I" fade out and the inner flows into the outer and vice versa. The antithesis of this state is the emotional state of anger, however mild, because it severely disturbs the equilibrium between inside and outside.

Anger is always ego-driven as when I'm driving and somebody does something that I think he or she shouldn't do. I have an inner expectation of how I think people should behave on the roads and if they don't meet those expectations I'm likely to feel aggrieved. It's stupid really but hard to let go of. However, the old lady on her throne is telling me that I have to. She is reminiscent of the High Priestess in the Tarot deck.