It's been two weeks since my last post and though nothing much has happened externally, there have been developments internally. During meditation sessions over the past few days, I've managed to sink into what I'll call my "ground state" using an analogy to the ground state of an electron in an atom. In its ground state, the electron is at its lowest energy level. When it becomes excited, it can jump to higher energy levels. In my case, thoughts and emotions represent the higher energy levels where I've spent most of my life. This constant dissipation of energy through almost total identification with my mental and emotional states is exhausting but letting go has been difficult.
During the meditation that I've been following, I've been attempting to disidentify with my thoughts and emotions by becoming a witness to them as they arise. This is a useful technique up to a point but I still found myself being carried off sooner or later by a thought or feeling that I'd latched on to. The reason for this was that I still wasn't grounded and I was witnessing from up in the clouds as it were, buffeted by this and that random thought or emotion. However, the meditation technique also advises to feel your body by exploring the sensations within it. This is what led to my breakthrough.
Previously, I'd tried to feel the sensations within my body but I'd not been very successful. A lot of the time I was thinking about my body, imagining different aspects of it and remaining very much in my thoughts. At last however, I have managed to really feel my body and sink into its energy field. I know I'm there because no thoughts or feelings arise and the sensation of it is quite palpable and readily identifiable. When I lose it, I feel the jump to the higher energy level of feeling or, higher still, of thought. The thing is that I know I've lost it immediately whereas before, during my witnessing, I wouldn't become aware of it nearly so quickly. The thoughts would carry me aware as if hypnotised. Now I'm aware instantly that because of a distracting thought or feeling, I've lost the ground state and that I need to return to it.
The more I practise, the easier it is to sink into the ground state and this is a very still place compared to the turmoil of the emotional and mental realms. It's not totally still because I have the awareness of fine vibrations but it's centred and stable. Previously, when I lived in my head, I felt that "I" existed between my eyes about a inch of so behind my forehead. When I was overcome by emotion, it would arise from my abdomen and rise rapidly upwards so that I would "lose my head". In the ground state, I have the feeling that "I" am resident in the area of the solar plexus, midway between the sources of thought and emotion.
This newly relocated me is definitely "more intelligent" than the old head-centred me that struggled to contain the emotions that would arise from internal and external stimuli. I can see more clearly now the mental and emotional structures that I've built for myself and actively lived in over the years. They were all of my own making and totally false. In my meditation, the ground state is unconditioned awareness where I don't think or feel anything but I'm still intensely aware. That translates in my daily life as being more observant and less judgmental. I can use my brain and engage my feelings as appropriate without being carried away by a thought or a feeling. There is a growing awareness of a mediating intelligence between my gut and my brain.
During the meditation that I've been following, I've been attempting to disidentify with my thoughts and emotions by becoming a witness to them as they arise. This is a useful technique up to a point but I still found myself being carried off sooner or later by a thought or feeling that I'd latched on to. The reason for this was that I still wasn't grounded and I was witnessing from up in the clouds as it were, buffeted by this and that random thought or emotion. However, the meditation technique also advises to feel your body by exploring the sensations within it. This is what led to my breakthrough.
Previously, I'd tried to feel the sensations within my body but I'd not been very successful. A lot of the time I was thinking about my body, imagining different aspects of it and remaining very much in my thoughts. At last however, I have managed to really feel my body and sink into its energy field. I know I'm there because no thoughts or feelings arise and the sensation of it is quite palpable and readily identifiable. When I lose it, I feel the jump to the higher energy level of feeling or, higher still, of thought. The thing is that I know I've lost it immediately whereas before, during my witnessing, I wouldn't become aware of it nearly so quickly. The thoughts would carry me aware as if hypnotised. Now I'm aware instantly that because of a distracting thought or feeling, I've lost the ground state and that I need to return to it.
The more I practise, the easier it is to sink into the ground state and this is a very still place compared to the turmoil of the emotional and mental realms. It's not totally still because I have the awareness of fine vibrations but it's centred and stable. Previously, when I lived in my head, I felt that "I" existed between my eyes about a inch of so behind my forehead. When I was overcome by emotion, it would arise from my abdomen and rise rapidly upwards so that I would "lose my head". In the ground state, I have the feeling that "I" am resident in the area of the solar plexus, midway between the sources of thought and emotion.
This newly relocated me is definitely "more intelligent" than the old head-centred me that struggled to contain the emotions that would arise from internal and external stimuli. I can see more clearly now the mental and emotional structures that I've built for myself and actively lived in over the years. They were all of my own making and totally false. In my meditation, the ground state is unconditioned awareness where I don't think or feel anything but I'm still intensely aware. That translates in my daily life as being more observant and less judgmental. I can use my brain and engage my feelings as appropriate without being carried away by a thought or a feeling. There is a growing awareness of a mediating intelligence between my gut and my brain.
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